Meet Auntie Lee and Auntie Karnage, PinkNews’ resident panel of advice-giving experts! In this edition of Ask the Aunties, they offer advice to a lesbian woman who isn’t sure about marriage because it’s a heteronormative concept.
Heteronormativity describes the way in which society tends to push people into male or female gender roles, meaning heterosexual relationships are expected as the norm. It’s not surprising then that many same-sex couples are turned off by the idea of marriage and its history.
Queer agony aunts Lee Gray and Karnage Kills respond to a dilemma sent in by a woman who has been in a long-term relationship with her partner and is deeply in love. Her girlfriend has been hinting that she wants to get married.
However, the woman isn’t sure she can stomach a ceremony that adheres to heterosexual standards—let alone what to wear to a wedding if you’re genderqueer.
Ask the Aunties: Should I get married if I find it too heteronormative?
The dilemma sent in reads: ‘I’m a lesbian and have been with my girlfriend for five years.
‘I love her so much and she’s been hinting she’d like to get married.
“I know marriage gives you extra legal rights but the idea is just too heterosexual for me. What should I do?”
Ask the Aunties: Their response
“I’m a very traditional person,” says Auntie Karnage.
“I believe you fall in love, you get married, you have babies, and then you live your happy life.”
Karnage notes though that marriage isn’t for everyone: “If you’re having doubts do not go into it with a heavy heart because it’s just not going to work out.”
Auntie Lee comes at it from a different angle: “Before being in a relationship my answer would be: ‘No, don’t get married.’”
Now that he’s in a relationship, Lee’s tune has changed a bit.
“I’ve learned something called compromise recently, so I feel like it’s definitely a conversation you need to have your partner and disclose what you feel is so heterosexual about marriage.”
On the idea that marriage is too “hetero-normative,” Lee says that he’s seen a change in the way some of the LGBTQ+ community are getting married.
“I’ve been seeing couples from the LGBTQ+ community get married and it’s looking nothing like what you expect a wedding to look like.”
Lee says that even though historically the concept of a wedding is male/female, it doesn’t have to be.
“I feel like it’s the perfect opportunity – especially if your partner is so adamant about doing it – a conversation and say: ‘Well, what would a wedding for us look like?’”
“What if you don’t even call it a wedding?” he asks rhetorically.
Karnage chimes in: “A lot of people get married because it makes their partner happy, no, that is the wrong thing to do.
“You get married because both of you want to do it. It can elevate your love and your relationship.”
Auntie Lee agrees: “100 per cent, and have the discussion with your partner and try to be creative.
“And invite me, send me an invite.”
“But only do it if you know that you really want to,” Karnage interrupts.
“You are only making things worse for yourself, I promise you.
“The divorce rate is high,” he laughs.